, автор: Быстрова А.

Why is it silly and unnecessary to be ashamed of divorce?

Why does the decision to get divorced not make you a scoundrel or an deadbeat mom? Is divorce always a mistake?

Источник фото: freepik.com

It is commonly thought that divorce is the worst thing that can happen. You have to hold on to your family, even if it is built on lies and manipulation, if the partners cheat on each other, if they scandalize endlessly, and if they smash their plates. And what a howl is raised when "normal families" break up, where spouses simply do not agree in character. "Didn't drink, didn't hit, brought money home - what else does she want?" "Couldn't hold on to a woman like that!" "Oh, those young people, they don't try at all."

The collapse of the relationship is widely condemned, all participants in the breakup is imputed a sense of guilt and "badness." We suggest breaking down the negative stereotypes about divorce. We will examine with doctors psychologists and psychotherapists what is wrong with such beliefs, as well as how to perceive the divorce itself and to build their lives further.

Divorce and guilt.

It is commonly believed that the breakup of a family relationship is a "little death" and, in fact, it is, especially for couples who have been married for more than a year. Few people go through it painlessly, but you shouldn't blame yourself for this stage of life, either.

"Blaming yourself for the divorce is like blaming a blind man for being blind. You could not do otherwise in the moment, you just did not know how," emphasizes psychologist-practitioner Irina Baburina.

Divorce does not make you a loser and a bad person

There is a myth that bad things can not happen to good people, the world is fair, if you choose a tyrant or inveterate gambler to be your partner - then you deserve it, you are to blame. But this is a cognitive distortion, with which we try to give chaos a sense of predictability, to make the world understandable and controllable. In fact, bad things just happen, it's not karma, it's not punishment, it's not a test of faith, it's just a fact. You may or may not tolerate being treated badly. Fight for your family or don't fight. You don't owe anyone anything! Divorce does not make you bad, on the contrary, such a step requires courage and honesty to yourself, your loved ones.

"When we distinguish between healthy shame and toxic shame, it is important to remember the following quote, "Lord, give me the serenity to accept what I can't change; the courage to change what I can; and the wisdom to distinguish one from the other."
So you don't always have to be ashamed of divorce in a relationship. Sometimes - it is the only measure to take and which opens the gate to the valuable and the present," notes psychologist Vladlen Klimashin.

Divorce does not mean that you did not try to keep the family

People who judge you, do not see the whole picture. No one sees how many tears were shed, how much effort it took to make that decision to file for divorce in order to save yourself and the mental health of your children.

"You shouldn't blame yourself for the divorce, it's not anyone's fault, it's not a nightmare in life. It's just a consummation. In this world, many processes come to an end: day and night, seasons, etc. See divorce not only as the end of the past, but as an open gateway to the future. And perceive your former partner as a companion with whom you've been through a journey together, but do not want to have any further dealings with him. If you have children, the joint journey continues in parenthood. You ended the relationship as a man and a woman, but you continue to raise children together. And this is also a joint project" says process-oriented therapist and perinatal psychologist Yulia Pritchina.

Divorce - not a mistake, and the beginning of a new (better) life
It's silly to feel guilty for putting a stop to a bad game. If you felt bad in that relationship, felt out of place, lost confidence and joy - why engage in self-destruction? Yes, you chose the wrong person, but you have gained experience, could better understand themselves, what you want from family life. Even if you've lived together for decades, do not devalue the past, do not cross out all that was between you. Thank your partner for the happy memories, the birth of beloved children, the first years of life together. We all change, our desires and priorities change, it's okay to grow on yourself, to want more, to move on. This relationship was not a mistake, it was a stepping stone to a new and better future, you could not have made a different choice in the past.

In addition, psychotherapist, author of more than 150 books on psychology Rushel Blavo notes that you should not blame yourself in this situation, if only because: "first, in a divorce, the responsibility for this step always lies on two adults. Secondly, there is a big difference between a logical explanation of the negative result of certain factors and a constant search of blame, which often turns out to be you.

The reason for this cause-and-effect relationship is its simplicity, where for lack of other candidates in the divorce begin to consider themselves to be to blame for all the troubles.

"You have to accept that this is life and many situations happen simply because the circumstances are the way they are. In situations like this, you just need to shift your focus from thinking, "What a pity, it's my fault, I messed up, what to do now..." to thinking, "I'm not very happy with the way things turned out, but thanks to this situation I can become stronger, wiser and now I have so many new things in front of me!" It will not work right away, but once you start looking for the positive in everything, you will definitely be easier to live," adds psychotherapist, author of more than 150 books on psychology Rushel Blavo.

But how do you stop being ashamed of your divorce when there is every reason to take it and end the relationship?

To solve this situation, psychologist Vladlen Klimashin advises to reconsider those ideas on the reliability of others, which cause you shame, by the way this is done cognitive-behavioral approach, which is now the most scientifically sound form of psychotherapy, for example:

You are divorced because you don't know how to build relationships in your marriage. You are irresponsible and have no values in your life.
But do you? After all, a person can be good at building a relationship, but never find common ground with their partner simply because their partner refuses to hear them or work on themselves. And no matter how much initiative and responsibility you take in resuscitating the relationship, it will all be in vain, because the quality of a relationship in marriage depends on the efforts of both partners, not just yours. Your value may be a healthy relationship and working on yourself, but your partner may have a different value - like leaving things as they are and being comfortable.
Divorce is wrong. You are messing up the institution of family in society and your child growing up will be the same way.
The institution of the family is first and foremost a training in building close, warm relationships. It is the training of empathy, sensitivity, and responsibility.
A child who grows up in such a system is more likely to form his or her norm on just such a relationship. But what if the relationship has had coldness, conflict, cheating and threats to the child for 7 consecutive years? What kind of norm will be formed in the child in this case? Can we talk about the institution of the family in this context of the relationship? No. The responsibility here will not be to maintain the stamp, forming both one's own dissatisfaction in the marriage and the psychological trauma of the child - but to get out of the relationship for the sake of creating a new and present one.

What is the right way to survive an unpleasant experience and move on with your life?

Your life is not in the past, it's in the present, with a future ahead of you that depends on how you build your present. Listen to yourself right now. Do you really want to suffer? Of course not. It's better to think about what really makes you happy, about what you've wanted to do for a long time, but never dared to do. Now is the best time to live for yourself! Displace the negativity with positive and caring for yourself.

As you can see, divorce is a difficult time for everyone, the curtains come off our eyes, we are acutely aware of reality. If after a while you look back and realize that you were not wrong, your life is better - congratulations, you made the right decision. And if you can't help feeling ashamed and guilty, feeling lonely and unwanted - talk to a specialist who can help you deal with depression. Divorce is not the end, it is only a part of life. There are a lot of good things ahead!